


Joint Committee Hearing 125-204

by kdorian



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Alex Vogel is a supervillain, Attempt at Humor, Beth Johanssen is the queen of nerds, Chris Beck is a BossyBeck, Gen, Have some respect for our elected officials, Mark Watney's testimony, Mark gets snarky, Melissa Lewis is a bad-ass, Rick Martinez is a pilot, T for swearing because Mark Watney, Try to remember that Mark, Who voted for these clowns anyway?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-31 08:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6463750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kdorian/pseuds/kdorian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joint Committee Hearing 125-204 to Investigate the Stranding of Astronaut Mark Watney and Related Events: Selected Excerpts from the Testimony of Mark Watney</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. September 14

Sen. Mitnik (D-CO): Please describe what you remember of the events of Sol 6, starting when all of you working outside were recalled to the habitat.

Mr. Watney: Well, we all went inside and looked at the readings on the storm heading for us. It was a lot stronger than the earlier forecasts had predicted. Commander Lewis called the abort, and everyone started--

Mitnik: You challenged that decision, is that correct?

Watney: What? No, I did not challenge that decision. I wasn’t happy about it, but none of us were. We’d spent years prepping for Mars, and months getting there. Having to abort after only six days was, well, like I said, none of us were happy about it.

Rep. Rocha (R-NC): You did suggest that the crew could wait out the storm.

Watney: Yes, but she called the abort.

Mitnik: And you’re saying you didn’t challenge that decision?

Watney: No I did not. See, Lewis is - was -the Mission Commander. That means she’s the one who made the big decisions. And I don’t care what Martinez claims; I did not whine about it. He wasn’t even there, anyway. I may have griped a little, but I did not whine.

Mitnik: I see.

Watney: Shall I go on? Thank you. So Lewis called abort, and everyone started getting ready to go. Martinez was already at the MAV, which he had been inspecting, and he began the flight prep. I was still suited up from earlier except for my helmet, so I helped out Johanssen and Beck.

Mitnik: Why those two in particular?

Watney: Everyone else had been outside and were still at least partially suited up. Beck and Johanssen had been inside the whole time, so they had to start from scratch. Putting on the whole thing takes some work, so helping the two of them would get us out faster. So that’s what I did. And that’s all I’ve got.

Mitnik: Mr. Watney?

Watney: Yes?

Mitnik: Were you planning to continue?

Watney: I didn’t realize you wanted me to go on. If I'm going to narrate the entire time I was there, we may be here a while.

Mitnik: Please continue.

Watney: Right. So when I woke up--

Mitnik: Mr. Watney!

Watney: Yes, Senator?

Mitnik: What do you think you are doing?

Watney: I’m answering the question.

Mitnik: Please do not skip events, Mr. Watney. The committee is trying to get a clear understanding of the events of that day. What happened after you assisted your crewmates in donning their EVA suits?

Watney: IEVA

Mitnik: Excuse me?

Watney: They were putting on IEVA suits, not EVA suits.

Mitnik: Fine. You helped them put on their IEVA suits. What happened immediately after that?

Watney: I woke up.

Mitnik: Mr. Watney, may I remind you that you are speaking to a congressional committee?

Watney: Senator Mitnik, may I remind you that you specifically asked me to describe what I remember of the events? A very short time after the crew was suited up I was perforated, partially depressurized, tossed like a rag doll, and knocked unconscious. What I remember is handing Johanssen her helmet, and then waking up, face-down in the sand, with my gut on fire and the oxygen warning screaming at me.

Mitnik: Are you’re saying you don’t remember anything between getting ready to abandon the hab and waking up after the rest of the crew had left?

Watney: I’m not only saying it, I’ve already said it twice. Would you like me to write out a timeline to clarify any point that is unclear?

Mitnik: Thank you, Mr. Watney, that may be helpful. Please turn it in before you leave today. If my colleges have no other questions for right now? No? Thank you, Mr. Watney, that will be all for the moment. Who is our next witness?


	2. September 15

Sen. Trivedi (R-KY): The committee would like to hear your thoughts on your crewmates.

Watney: My crewmates? OK. Well, going in alphabetical order, I'll start with Dr. Chris Beck. Our good Doctor Beck is a dedicated physician, and he’s a damned good doctor even under difficult circumstances, but he can be a bit bossy. And by a bit bossy, I mean to the point of being a royal pain in the ass. In his off hours, I can report that he’s a great guy to play Hold’em or Seven Card Stud with since he has a horrible poker face. He’s better at intellectual and word games, where he’s been known to pick out an obscure word with a high point value and lay it right on top of the triple word score, resulting in his going from last to first right at the very end of the game. Which coincidentally let him win over someone who had spent the entire game doing unusually well, not that I’m holding a grudge or anything.

Trivedi: Thank you, Mr. Watney, but if you could be a little more succinct. We’re just looking for a quick impression.

Watney: Sorry, I’m still not used to having an audience that actually exists. Succinct, OK. Beth Johanssen, our reactor tech and programmer. I’m sure it’s no surprise that she’s a huge nerd and a computer genius. She has a sneaky sense of humor, and can be surprisingly subtle, but she has this innocent look that I still haven’t figured out if it’s real or not. I should also add that I have a great deal of admiration and respect for her that is not at all the result of my fear of what would happen to my credit score if I didn’t.

Trivedi: Has she threat--

Watney: Melissa Lewis, our commander. Serious bad-ass. She’s pretty cool most of the time, but she has this look when you get on her nerves that makes you sort of want to retreat so you can hide under your bunk with your blankets over your head. And she has this amazing power where she can be in a crowded room, and she just sort of shifts slightly, and suddenly everyone just stops talking, looks at her, and waits to see what she wants. I really, really want to learn how to do that.

Watney: Rick Martinez was our, um, give me a second, our--Rick, what is it you do again?

Maj. Martinez, USAF: I was the pilot. Sorry everyone, Mark got dropped on his head a few too many times when he was a kid. It led to the lasting delusion that he has a sense of humor.

Watney: Hey! No, seriously, Rick’s a fantastic pilot. I owe him my life several times over. Not only did his remote piloting skills get me off that miserable rock, his ability to pretty much land on a dime is the only reason there was enough hydrazine left in the MDV to let me make the water I needed. His sense of humor could use a little work, but he’s a great guy and a good friend.

Watney: And lastly, I can’t leave out Alex Vogel, our resident supervillain. Vogel’s pretty cool, h--

Trivedi: Excuse me, supervillain?

Watney: Bald, German accent, blows things up, had a base on Mars. The only thing he’s missing is the cat, and since the only vertebrates, other than the crew, that were allowed on board were the mice and the fish, that may just have been circumstances. I would not be at all surprised to discover he owned a purebred white Persian, or a Siamese, something like that.

Mr. Vogel: (Unclear)

Sen. McClain (R-TX): Please do not interrupt the witness.

Watney: He said he has an Abyssinian. See? Supervillain!

Vogel: (unclear) the children.

Watney: Sure, of course, you got the cat for the kids, Alex. We believe you.

Vogel: (Laughter)

McClain: I must ask that witnesses please refrain from speaking if they’re not being addressed by the committee.


	3. September 18

Rep. Sosa (D-NY): ….And furthermore, I would like to make clear that this inquiry does not have a political agenda, nor was it created for the purpose of finding or manufacturing a guilty party on whom we could blame the events that unfolded. Instead, we are assembled to find the truth. To discover the facts about events as they happened, rather than an incomplete version manipulated for spin by agencies or individuals more interested--

Rep. Rocha (R-NC): What’s that noise?

Sosa: -in salvaging their public image than in letting the public know the more complicated, and less flattering, truth -- someone find what that is and silence it, I am trying to address the committee!

Rep. King (D-IL): Mr. Watney, what are you doing? Are you--is that popcorn?

Watney: Yes, it is. It’s pretty good, would you like some? No butter, but I do have salt. Sorry about the noise, I’m really not sure why it was so loud. I set up the outer canister to act as a muffler; I’ll have to check that.

Sosa: Mr. Watney, am I to understand you smuggled in a popcorn popper? This behavior is not in any way appropriate, and only serves as another-

Watney: Excuse me, I did no such thing. I am an engineer. I did not smuggle in a popcorn popper; I made one while I was sitting here waiting for you to finish pontificating.

Sosa: I was hardly pontificating, Mr. Watney, merely addressing the committee with my concern that we not allow ourselves to be misled by involved parties-

Watney: Johanssen! Dictionary says?

Johanssen: Almost there. Pompous, pond scum, pong, here it is. Pontificate, the office of the pope; the period of office of a pope, no and no. Aha! To speak-

Rep. Lee (D-WA): Excuse me, Ms. Johansenn, you have not yet been called to testify before the committee.

Johanssen: -in a pompous, dogmatic manner, To give an opinion in a way indicating that the speaker believes he or she is always correct. Yeah, sorry, he nailed it. That was definitely pontificating.

Lee: Could we please all get back to business? We have a lot of testimony still to go through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are many types of 'mufflers' that make noises louder, rather than quieter. Not that Mark would do such a thing!


End file.
